


to be honest, I adore you

by creepyfleur (orphan_account)



Series: this spectrum is ours [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Flashbacks, Just me projecting my sadness onto seungjin, Kim Seungmin is a Sweetheart, M/M, changbin best boy, heavily inspired by adore you-iKON
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25996261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/creepyfleur
Summary: “You’re my welkin. You’re high up there, unreachable but I know you’re there and always there. There might be time those clouds aren’t present but you’re still there, accompanying me.”Seungmin shakes his head and rubs his eyes. Hyunjin must forget that those skies somehow will cry too, the light will dim and one day as the world is ending, they will collapse and ruin everything.That time, the sky is reachable, and can be grasped by arm’s reach but it will be scattered in no use, no more.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Series: this spectrum is ours [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934542
Comments: 21
Kudos: 55





	1. you’re my welkin, unreachable

“Hannie! Hannie!” 

Seungmin blinks his eyes open, irises trying to adjust with the pitch blackness surrounding him. It must be one of the nights; a night when bad dreams try to bug Hyunjin and disturb his peaceful sleep.

His throat constricted unwillingly before padding out from the room and barging into the next door. Hyunjin’s eyes still shut closely but how his chest waves unevenly, fringes stick to the forehead all sweaty, Seungmin did nothing but patting his boyfriend’s head gently and cradling those warm cheeks in a physical reassurance manner. He kisses the damp forehead, not wanting to let go.

“Shhh sleep Hyunjin. It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

Those heavy lids won’t budge open even an inch despite the strained yelling just now and gradually Seungmin can see how Hyunjin is back to breathe calmly and those unsettled creases now look rather serene and tranquil. They flattened back seconds ago, thanks to his sincere touch, he hopes.

Seungmin blinks, long and hard.

Hyunjin might be calmer now, but it’s never the case for Seungmin. His eyes still burning in pain, tears threaten to fall and his heart. His heart bleeds more than he could imagine.

It shattered like an abandoned glass and Seungmin knows there’s no safety pin that can patch them together. 

Not even a brand named Hwang Hyunjin.

  
  
  


Cliché, horrible even when Seungmin’s mind wanders back to what's happening one month ago. 

_“Give me the chance to heal your heart, Hyunjin.”_

Dead lord, he loves Hyunjin so much it hurts. Seungmin is not the type to sacrifice everything for a mere smile because it’s not worth it deadly but Hyunjin somehow, always be an exception for him. 

_‘We always break the law for a certain someone.’_

Be it hanging up the stars on a depressing night, or swimming all the way to Antartica—Seungmin will do it all, just for those crescent eyes to lit up again like a moonlight penetrating the sole darkness on the night canvas. 

True, Seungmin is greedy like that. 

He kicks the pebbles on the sidewalk.

But how autumn seems to let those dead fallen leaves fall aimlessly on the concrete, that’s also how Seungmin now, in his favourite season, walking aimlessly without knowing where to stop.

His greediness is getting nowhere but causes him to dread further, hurting deeper when Hyunjin seems that he can’t let go of the past; the beautiful moments of him with Jisung.

Seungmin is grateful and he never complains because in Hyunjin’s conscious mind presence, those chaste, shared kisses are real, those warm hugs are alive and those _i love yous -_ fuck, they give Seungmin blithe hopes: sometimes he feels like he can defeat those singing birds every morning when Hyunjin tells him that. 

_“Love you, Minnie!”_

Seungmin laughs, expression solemn. He’s sitting on the bench now, under the bald maple tree. Well, the continuous thoughts are tiring. It’s only that moment he realizes they exhausted him that much. 

Eyes shutting closely, blocking the blazing sunlight from interfering. It must be nice if Hyunjin is here with him, his remotely tall figure will block those sunlight, casting a shadow and Seungmin already feels safe and protected.

It’s insane how Hyunjin only did the bare minimum and he already felt content. He remembers how Changbin hyung said to him one night; 

_“This is how you fuck up everything, Seungmin. Love only works with give and take. Two people embroidering the oath, together. Two hearts, unite. That’s the equation. You can’t do it alone. You can’t—heal the person who doesn’t want to be healed.”_

He doesn’t reply to Changbin out of respect courtesy to the elder. Changbin is the best hyung and his love advice made Seungmin think he's Shakespeare in his past life. He didn’t disagree nor agree. Nothing couldn't seem to tumble out from his mouth on that time.

How can he argue when Changbin lives up to his words? Felix is the happiest person in love and Changbin is definitely his lost cause.

And yet, Seungmin silently begs to differ. 

Love isn’t that complicated. Not all love is in give and take form. It’s ridiculous, unfair even to think how you won’t be able to get to the same par on mother’s love as a child. No, you can’t. That’s the universe law. Love is imbalance, because humans are perfectly imperfect. 

Not all should be with the same efforts; because for Seungmin, it’s fine if _his_ won’t get the same return as what he gladly offers, because Hyunjin’s goofy smile is enough to put his heart at peace and his day is already tenfold better. 

Less is _more_ and they are more than enough. 

Seungmin has been bold like that since the very start. 

Until—until last night. 

Maybe Changbin hyung is right all along. Maybe love needs to be like tango, _it takes two to tango_. Maybe mom’s love shouldn’t be compared to _this_ type of mainstream love. 

Maybe Seungmin isn’t the one for Hyunjin.

Isn’t the one to heal.

Isn’t the one to patch.

Isn’t the one to love.

He tries to swallow the lump trying to form on his sandy throat. His heart aches, and those pain he’s trying to shove all these while are about to lunge out and make him suffer.

Yet, he tries to shove them down again. 

If he needs to go, let only the ethereal moments remain. He doesn’t want the hatred to trail off. He doesn’t want the regret to taint him, because loving Hyunjin is never a wrong thing to do.

Thus, he just wants to allow only joyful memories to be played all over again like a broken CD player.

_“You know what reminds me of you?”_

_“What? It better not be those characters you read on Manga.”_

_“No dude, you will never be on the same level as them.”_

Seungmin is late to realize that he will never be as near as he wants, to those beating heartbeats of Hyunjin.

_“LMAO it’s not like I care so… what’s the unlucky thing that reminds you of me?”_

_“Those fluffy clouds on the sky—wait no. Just the sky.”_

_“Why?”_

_“You’re my welkin. You’re high up there, unreachable but I know you’re there and always there. There might be time those clouds aren’t present but you’re still there, accompanying me.”_

  
  


Seungmin shakes his head and rubs his eyes. Hyunjin must forget that those skies somehow will cry too, the light will dim and one day as the world is ending, they will collapse and ruin everything.

That time, the sky is reachable, and can be grasped by arm’s reach but it will be scattered in no use, no more.

That time might be long to come, but in Seungmin’s fate: the time for him has already tuned in, bugging him to step away.

He needs to go and be unreachable like Hyunjin’s welkin.

He needs to go far away, but as the brown maple leaf somehow makes its own way to lay on his palm, Seungmin halts his movement.

_They said, if one grabs the maple leaf with someone’s presence at the moment, the love will be forever and they will be destined together._

_‘Ahh, Hyunjin isn’t here.’_ Seungmin chuckles. What has been he thinking? He thought those heartbreaks already made him escape those head over heels phase but—guess not.

  
  
His IQ is still at the alarming state. Later, after he fixes his broken heart, he surely will fix his goddamn mind too, let them free from any Hyunjin related facts.

And now he just needs to take the first step, it’s already torturing without Hyunjin nowhere near him but he needs to _—_

  
  


“Seungmin! Kim Seungmin, wait!”

  
  



	2. forever an inelastic collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _“Your eyes are genuine and that, the whole world can tell. They spell love for Seungmin but it still means nothing, Hyunjin. The ball is forever in your court: whether to be thrown and get your victory—or freaking let it be, rolling off directionless.”_
> 
> —it is always Hyunjin move to make and let them collide together. 

Hyunjin blinks, the wide white ceiling greets his unfocused nut brown orbs as he touches his forehead right after his brain melts into reality. He might be dreaming, but the warmth from Seungmin’s full lips last night still linger there, if not much it still puts Hyunjin’s heart in a bliss.

And sorrow.

His heart numbs, feeling like he loses all his five senses after waking up this morning; to _touch_ , to _feel_ , to _see_ , to _hear_ , to _smell_. 

Waking up to _different_ warmth from what he always gets is tad unfavourable and Hyunjin is not being appreciative of those massive differences, not at all. The warmth from the rising sun in the west is irritating, they pick on his skin, blinding his eyes and burning him.

He dislikes it.

The warmth he’s longing is from Seungmin. His honey-dripping voice patiently asking Hyunjin to wake up and get ready for class, his annoyed smile when Hyunjin sneakily kisses his bloated morning face and his warm bear hug whenever Hyunjin thinks it’s better to yeet himself off the rooftop. 

Those warmth are what Hyunjin thinks will be _his_ , until the last chapter.

Hands clutching on the duvet cover like a lifeline, Hyunjin tries to suppress all the regrets trying to peek up and punish him.

They are still midway through the book, more syllables to be read, more stories to be discovered and more nights to be spent together. Last chapter is still far away, it’s far-off and unforeseen but why did Seungmin already leave him here all alone?

Is this the _last_ one? 

* * *

  
  


“ _Your eyes are genuine and that, the whole world can tell. They spell love for Seungmin but it still means nothing, Hyunjin. The ball is forever in your court: whether to be thrown and get your victory—or freaking let it be, rolling off directionless.”_

  
More of Changbin’s words swirl in his mind as he trudges his way along the sidewalk. He doesn’t know where Seungmin is, but the heart will lead.   
  


He’s firm about that even with a wee cowardice gearing up in his veins.

  
_“When he starts to feel distant, confused and hurting, that’s the cue you aren’t doing good enough, Hyunjin.”_

Hyunjin clenches his fist. 

His noodle legs are somehow nearly giving up because those thoughts endlessly hunt him, restrain him to keep going. But god, he’s undeniably thankful for the autumn breeze: this season’s precious gift. 

It wraps Hyunjin in sheer solace, silently pushing him to move forward— _move, until you find your Seungmin, silly._ Maybe that’s why Autumn is Seungmin’s favourite, because when he’s absent, he knows he can trust the season to be a reliable substitute for embracing Hyunjin. 

_“Come here, Jinnie! Lemme give you the greatest hug in the world. Let’s hug the sadness out.”_

And just like an old movie played in an abandoned theatre, the memories flash before his eyes on how they securely threaded their fingers together, lips sealed on each other and loose grips being tightened—they fortunately were real. 

Real and alive. 

No matter how heartrending this whole ordeal seems, the abandoned theater should be filled in again by their unfinished tale, with a happy ending as he wishes. 

And that’s the sole reason why Hyunjin shouldn’t give up, at least not yet. 

He shouldn’t, because the second chance is for him to take.

The confession is for him to make.

The lavish wall is for him to break.

Seungmin is like a miracle in his tangled, messed up life, the one who knows him inside out like a peel skin of orange, the one that brush paint his monochrome with wonderful hues—just the one Hyunjin thought will be his _bestest_ friend forever, no matter how blind they are falling in the depth of this gutsy space; love space. 

It’s always Seungmin who pushes himself onto Hyunjin, invading his space and amusedly causing an _inelastic collision:_ they collide and don’t bounce away from each other. Seungmin might think he’s desperately lunging at Hyunjin but that’s never the case for him. Yes, Seungmin pushes but Hyunjin unknowingly pulls, too. 

In the simplest equation, they don’t bounce away because Hyunjin will never let them to. He won’t ever let them...stretch away.

  
  


_“Give me the chance to heal your heart, Hyunjin.”_

_“I—Seungmin I don’t want to hurt you.”_

_“But we can always try right? I mean if you’re willing to.”_

  
  


Hyunjin might be dumb living his two decades life rotating the sun, but he’s never a fool to turn down such offer. _Trying with your best friend? It sounds promising and convincing_ —and ironically, that’s what exactly meant by Hyunjin Stupid, Hyunjin Dumb. 

They’re trying, true. 

But with Seungmin exerting more efforts, Seungmin who gives more, Seungmin who never complains and with Hyunjin who’s only _take, take, take._

Suddenly, there’s an ephemeral beat. 

A sudden realization: all these while it’s not him who’s not letting them bounce away...It’s Seungmin. Humiliating, when there’s a thought of giving credit to himself bravely crossed his mind.

He doesn’t really deserve the second chance now, does he? 

Hyunjin’s palms aimlessly graze on the crusty steel of the bridge's railing, trying to get a grip of the present and breathe. The barely courage he had from the first step he took dissipates into thin air and now Hyunjin is hopeless. 

Too hopeless to even walk further.

It seems like Jisung is still there, intact with Hyunjin on his heart string and that’s why Seungmin stepped away.

Coward; that explains Hyunjin whole. 

_“You’re my welkin. You’re high up there, unreachable but I know you’re there and always there. There might be time those clouds aren’t present but you’re still there, accompanying me.”_

_“Wow that’s—kinda poetic, though? But sweet. Yeah it is.”_

_“Ofc it is dimwit! Hah you’re gonna belittle me again, aren’t you?”_

_“Nooo I'm just impressed ok, don’t twist my words. So then i guess...you can just look at the sky when you miss me?”_

_“Why would i? You’re here beside me. I don’t need to look at it.”_

  
  


They pathetically backfire, his words. Because right now, the only entity Hyunjin can admire is the blue sky, not a tall silhouette that is Kim Seungmin. 

_“The ball is forever in your court: whether to be thrown and get your victory—or freaking let it be, rolling off directionless”_ , it echoes again in his cochlea, but this time it is louder. 

He slumps too long in murky ambience, though. It’s time to straighten back his torso.

* * *

  
  
“Hyunjin, hey let go of me.” He can feel those tracing of Seungmin’s fingers on his back and later they tap gently on his nape. 

Hyunjin doesn’t know to whom he should be grateful to. Is it to the sound waves that whisper his silent prayer to Seungmin? Or the gravity that keeps pulling on his heels to continue walking until he finally encounters his angel?

His mind is empty. 

The moment he found Seungmin sitting on the plywood bench, he occasionally detached himself from sensing the earthy chirr and mindlessly shouted the latter’s name.

Hyunjin shakes his head in fear, and he does the contrary: hugging Seungmin tighter than before.

“Why should i? You will run away, again.” His voice is barely a whisper now, floating desperately for Seungmin to understand.

Hyunjin is desperate, way too much he won’t comply with Seungmin. 

“No, just—just let me see your face.”

Hyunjin’s heart beats faster in worry. “What for? Is it for...for the last time?” He winces at how shattered he sounds but does he have any option now? The thought of Seungmin leaving him already pulls half of his sanity, he can’t bear with it.

Seungmin kisses lightly the both sides of his head before leaning back, but he’s still in Hyunjin’s loose embrace. Hyunjin should know that Seungmin never wants to lean further from him, not even thousand years later.

But Seungmin needs to make everything as crystal clear, because not what he wants is also what Hyunjin wants...right? That’s why he demands a gap there, a safe distance; the one that keeps them away from self-destruction.

Seungmin locks his gaze with those tired nut brown eyes. He let his fingers graze softly on that puffy cheeks and rest on Hyunjin’s quivering lips, afterward. It only has been for two hours since he left, but it feels so long in reality like they’re in another dimension.

Hyunjin looks so vulnerable standing before him, too worn out but there’s in no way Seungmin is the solid cause for this mess. 

He’s absolutely not. 

Seungmin isn’t that impactful to create a storm in Hyunjin’s life. He’s not Jisung who Hyunjin had been searching for even in his countless dreams, when his unconscious mind abuzz at night or when there’s Seungmin, making Hyunjin smile everyday by his side.

Seungmin is irrelevant like that, he knows.

And on that, Hyunjin is quietly crying again. 

His hands long found cupping Seungmin cheeks and his whole body shaking. “How...are you really think like that, Seungmin? How the fuck...you think you’re irrelevant in my life? Have you ever asked how truly I feel about you?”

Hyunjin briefly pauses and the tense silence is filling in. His throat sores from restraining the sadness way too hard. 

Seungmin nibbles on his lips, eyes already glossy. He didn’t realize he spurted them out loud, his dawdling thoughts—he feels free but now it shifts to fear. 

Seungmin is scared to face the truth.

“Do you ever know how much you mean to me? Do you ever know how frustrated I am every night to just barge in into your room and sleep with you? Do you ever know how your presence is literally my safe haven...for every second? Seungmin…”

Hyunjin's pleading eyes are jabbing his heart and Seungmin can’t hold himself anymore. He sniffs a little too loud but still, nothing tumbles out from his mouth.

“...there’s no Jisung anymore in my life. It's always you. It always been you from the start.”

Seungmin inhales, trying to put those flooding thoughts together. Those words can’t be real. They would never be.

“But he’s the one you’ve been searching in your dream, Hyunjin.” Seungmin starts, incredulously weak to his grimace. “I might be in your present but that’s him you’ve been longing without you knowing. Eyes can’t lie and—actions, they speak louder than words.”

Hyunjin laughs in a solemn, sarcastic tone. “There you said it yourself, Seungmin. Now look into my eyes.”

Seungmin shuts his eyes. He can’t, because the truth is slowly swallowing him. He found what he’s been desiring for too long now from that pair of adamant eyes. 

Slowly, Hyunjin kisses his eye lids and it doesn’t take too long for Seungmin to melt into serenity. He doesn’t want to admit but he misses those gentle touches.

“There’s so many reasons to doubt me, I know. And I’m so sorry for that.” Hyunjin reaches for Seungmin’s clammy hands and intertwines them. He proceeds, “I thought I’m just trying to be careful not to let myself fall too deep into you before this, because the thought of losing you is unbearable. I just want to—to protect myself.”

_‘We are in a different cabin, but in the same boat.’_

It’s funny how Seungmin can understand every bit of it because they’re just the same. Shielding, but actually attacking.

“But I failed to realize that I’m hurting you along the process. It’s so selfish you might think I’m pushing you away, no—you are thinking that way.”

Seungmin heart cracks rewinding the memories. But the honesty radiating from Hyunjin’s eyes is slowly healing his scars, unbelievably.

“How dumb am i to push you away when you’re my safety pin, who patches me all together and keeps me on my feet? No, just—don’t answer it. It hurts my pride.” 

_Too dumb, it is too dumb honestly._ Seungmin quirks a smile, but it’s too brisk for Hyunjin to notice. 

Hyunjin eventually stops, trying to search the hidden blithe in those unreadable eyes. Heartbreak shouldn’t be layered with another heartbreak, Hyunjin knows. But the ball is in his court; it’s forever his _move_ to make.

“I won’t force you or anything,” It’s hard to let go, but it’s harder to forgive himself for hurting Seungmin. Hyunjin inhales deeply, but their unfinished movie should be completed with an ending.

No matter how lousy it will be portrayed.

“Do you want to try again with me? I mean, if you’re willing to.”

The familiarity of those hanging words send a deep jolt through Seungmin’s spines. The tables have turned and his head now is so full with everything and nothing at the same time.

Seungmin doesn’t answer that question, instead he launches himself forward and quickly catches the maple leaf from landing on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

The wind is getting stronger.

Seungmin did throw away the former one he had because well, Hyunjin isn’t here and he might look like a moron—but now, it won’t hurt to grab one.

“Seungmin?” Seungmin’s silence spikes his anxiety despite their too close body-to-body interaction. “What are you—“

“Do you believe in maple leaf miracles?” Seungmin in no time cuts him off, and lets his hands rest there, on Hyunjin’s shoulder instead of the leaf.

Hyunjin creases his eyebrows in confusion before something strikes his mind, eyes not leaving Seungmin’s.

_Oh._

Oh.

‘ _If you try to find another word for miracle, it would be the word effort.’_

Hyunjin beams until his eyes turn into crescent. It’s ethereal to see how Seungmin mirrors his action, gladly in relief. 

In the threshold of uncertainty, Hyunjin closes the subtle gap between them and seams their lips in harmony and tranquility.

“I don’t actually, but maybe it’s worth the belief?”

“Right? I think so too.”

  
  
  


Somewhere on the journey of their way back home as hands swaying aimlessly, Seungmin is sure of one thing.

Love doesn’t necessarily take two to tango, but if he wants the happiness to bloom for _himself_ , never settling for the less should be an option, just like how an inelastic collision occurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it doesn’t hurt that much right? i hope so afjfkgk.
> 
> i don’t know if i do seungjin justice in this with that ending but there’s something i learn in life; the word effort is the substitute of the word miracle and i think it’s beautiful. you can’t get the perfect ending but the process itself is what matters <3 
> 
> and thank you for reading this! have a nice day ahead uwu
> 
> [if you manage to reach here, [these](https://archiveofourown.org/tags/%E2%80%94mintypeachy) are my old works, they’re kinda bad per se because im still learning but if you wanna read more seungjin then... hehe :)))]

**Author's Note:**

> apparently this is my 3:00 am words vomit so this is why we go all melancholy and sad nnn. thank you for reading this <33 and if you ever reach this notes i just wanna say wow you’re absolutely incredible gonna give you golden stars :>


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